Have you ever lost someone you never had? I have.
My first and my last time doing so. His name is unimportant because at the end of the day, I cannot bring myself to mutter that name without weeping.
I was young and he was 4 years my senior, not that I cared. We were friends but in my heart, I wanted to be more. For years, I loved him in secret and I was everything he needed me to be. I was his friend, his therapist, his reason for laughing. Time flew and it was apparent that I had fallen hopelessly in love with him and he didn’t even know. Perhaps he did, but he never showed it.
It was the night of a good friend’s wedding…I’ll name her Julian. Knowing I would get to see HIM, sent my pulse on a 12k marathon.
I sat in the congregation, watching as Julian and her beloved exchange vows as I silently envisioned what it would sound like to have my most secret crush utter those loving words to me.
To hear him say “I do”…
Soon enough, realization hit me like a brick and the pain brought me to my feet, so I walked out.
On my way to the door, I hung my head low so no one could see the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes.
Something told me to look up and I regretted it immediately. There he was in all his virile glory and he was looking dead at me. I looked away quickly, avoiding those piercing eyes.
The sound of his voice as he said “Hey Darlyze” was my undoing. I croaked out a “hey” and quickly pushed through the double doors, sped through the corridors, and found my way outside, thanking God for the cool air that dried my tears.
I stood there, unmoving until the wedding over and it was time for the reception.
When I got there, I was late and found no seat at any tables so I sat on the plush couches they had against the wall with two of my friends. I pretended to care about their conversation but with drink in hand; I was in my own world. I was too young to drink alcohol but the bartender hadn’t bothered to ask for I.D, not that I cared.
I sipped my drink and then I saw him.
He sat on the couch a couple feet from me with his back towards me, his strong back.
He was busy texting away and paid me no mind. I wanted to go over there, sit next to him, talk to him, hug him, and bask in the scent that could only be associated with him.
The wedding party made their entrance and he soon disappeared leaving me drunk and wanting.
I got up to get some chocolate covered strawberries and then I saw it…saw them..together…hands intertwined. There he was, the man of my dreams with another girl.
As he stared into her eyes, my heart broke because I longed to have him look at me like that.
For years, I silently yearned for him to touch me that way and there she was, the harlot, stealing what was rightfully mine.
Jealousy was hot in my veins and as I ordered two more drinks at the bar, I drank til the only feeling I felt was the churning sickness in the pit of my stomach caused my vodka and pain. A mixture I was already familiar with at 16.
When they walked out hand in hand it was obvious of what had happened here.
I lost someone I never had.