Diary of a Fatherless Girl Too scared to get hurt
Someone once said that “a mother teaches her daughter how to be a woman, while a mother teaches her son how to love [and make a woman feel special]. A father teaches his son how to be a man, while a father teaches his daughter HOW TO LOVE.”
As mentioned before in my previous article Fatherless and Single – no father figure affects relationship I never had the presence of a father to love and to show me how to love. I never believed that I needed a man’s love. I always said that a man’s love wouldn’t make a difference. For so long I have tried to make myself believe that I am fine, that my mom is enough for me and my life is perfect. As I’m getting older I start to realize that I can’t avoid the fact that I’m missing something and that I am in need of a male companion and in need of love from a man; every time I see someone with his/her father my heart shatters. I have always wondered what it feels like to have a father, to wake up in the morning and say “Good morning dad”, to get drop off school by him and hug him and say “Bye dad” or to say “I love you dad.”
For some reason or another, I have always had male friends. I felt comfortable around them; I always wanted to know their point of view. At a point in our friendship, most of them would fall in love with me. All I wanted was just a friend, but one of them was more special to me than the others. I called him the best of the best friends being too scared to call it love. When I was 17 turning 18 for the first time I tried to let it go farther than just being friend. For the first time I ever loved a man and let me be loved by a man, I was left heartbroken. For months, I tried to love a man that loved me; I ended up hurting him; I was 18 years old. For 3 years I tried to get my father’s love I got kicked out, and I was 20. Maybe I should’ve waited; I wasn’t ready for the transition.
These experiences gave me reasons not to try to fill up that emptiness and the curiosity to find out how these girls feel hugging their daddy, boyfriend or husband. My conclusion was they will always leave me heartbroken no matter what, so there’s no need to try. Until recently a male friend told me that I was just scared, and these excuses are not justified.
To be continued. . .